Call me Mara

This blog is about my life and how I see the world on a daily basis.  It is not meant to be philosophical or even intellectual in its writings.  It is simply a place for me to leave my writings; to have conversation with  those who may wish to read it, so not all of which I write may be pleasing.  Often the writings are not pleasing to me but I have given myself permission to write them.  As I consistently observe there is always something beautiful, even in the bitterest of situations and if nothing else, I hope my writings convey that thought.   

I wrote the article below near mid-October on a day when the world was closing in on me.  It is unedited.

You may be pleased to know that I have found a job!  It is a six (6) months position in my area of current study.  I'M EXCITED!  Still treading water but EXCITED!
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After writing about breasts in my last article it seems appropriate to go on talking about woman.  As I was washing dishes this morning it came again to me “call me Mara” for I am indeed bitter and spent.  God has taken away everything that I have.  If he had done this to me in my youth, I would not be as bitter since with youth there is opportunity; a second chance is always there.  But in aging, chances are no more, so call me Mara.  I have found my face muscles drooping unconsciously these days, sometimes I only know that has happened when the muscles call to me in pain for being in the downward smile position for way too long. Call me Mara for I am bitter at not being able to find ‘hear’ the solutions to my problems.  Call me Mara for I am saddened that my bond with God has been broken; I only see Him leading me up a steep mountain so tall that I cannot see the spiny top.  I am losing my breath for HE is not talking to me anymore.  HE is just moving and I must follow.  HE has turned HIS back on me.

I have felt those stirrings within just like when the seasons change?  Everything looks the same and may even function in the same way but deep inside I knew that things would change; I was changing skin, so to speak.    When?  I never know.  How?  Don’t ask me.  Why? Because it must.    I believe in letting God have HIS way with my life so I questioned not.  But now I am bitter.  Call me Mara.  HE has not shown me the way.  I have been left as an outcast since those I’ve called friend are not here in my hour of need.  It seems that no one wants to be around drowning me.  Can they not see the water is in my mouth now, soon my nose will be under.  Can they not hear my screams?  Call me Mara for soon I shall not have any strength left to fight the waters.  Where do I go for I cannot afford to pay a rent?  Why have I been treated so harshly by a man to whom I diligently paid rent for a near  lifetime?   Why have friends not reached out?  Why do they turn their backs as I ask, no plead for help!

Call me Mara for I have asked GOD  to show me my Bethlehem where I may return so that I may heal but HE has not.   Trinidad and Tobago is my homeland, so this should be my Bethlehem but life here is not good at all!  “Where is my Bethlehem?”  I have asked that HE make me a blessing to others.  Who is blessed by my presence?  No one it seems.  Call me Mara for the LORD has seen it fit to pull away from me.  The anger is bursting my brain!

...I was called to go on the net just a while ago to look up the meaning of my name, something which I have never done in all my years.  I have never been curious about its meaning, instead I have just loved my name!  I found out that it means “God is gracious”.  How beautiful! Perhaps one day I may be able to take back my name.  For now call me Mara.

I am out of the valley climbing the range.

Oct 13 2012