November 2, 2013

There are some things that I’ve been trying to do for years and cannot say that success has found me.  No, I am not considering that great job, the house that becomes my home, the man that becomes my man or the family that it is too late to create.  Those are other thoughts to share, maybe.  I am writing about only three things and they are everyday things, almost universal goals, that I find to be profound and rather difficult; praying, journaling and being grateful. 

From all my readings and discussions it seems that when these things are done pragmatically, great depths of our soul are reached, even nirvana.  Well, I am not even near!  Or am I?  Perhaps if I stopped thinking that I have to attain these goals according to the definitions or the paths described by others I would be cool with what I am doing in respect of these three.  So in sitting down to think about it and what I know, this is what I found. 

I know that I am constantly talking to God, saying how I feel, and asking for guidance, enlightenment and wisdom.  I know have written each day, every day for a long time and have learnt that my life is pretty much the same, day after day.  So why write about it…it’s boring, therefore I refuse to FEEL in any way about not journaling.  To heck with that one!  Yippee! 

The grateful thing?? Deep down, I know I am grateful but it is just not heating up enough to bubble to the surface and become actualized as less stress, no fear, complete joy, at peace. The fact that I don’t think my gratitude is showing itself tells me that there is a sense of entitlement within.  Yes, as I write here, I do feel that I am justified in my sense of entitlement!  I believe I work hard and yet I am getting nowhere, so that infuriates!  Take for instance, that I work 12 hours a day, am finding it difficult to come home and study since I am tired, but I try, yet none of the rewards I want come my way!  I get angry with myself because I am not at the place where I envisaged my life to be at this stage.  That’s where the entitlement comes from.  I try to show my gratitude through helping others.  Whether it is to share a meal, help someone understand an issue, let someone rant because I can sense that he/she needs to vent, look inferior if it will make someone feel superior (notice I say look because deep down I know that I am not any more inferior than the person next to me), accept another bit of food because it would hurt another’s feelings if I refused (trust me, my cheeks (on both ends), prove that I do not need more food), that is my way of showing the Master that I am grateful. 

I am also beginning to understand, to know gratitude in being able to forgive myself for not knowing how to work SMART, only hard; I am surviving and for that I am grateful.  At the end of each day, I don’t have the time to be grateful.  I am usually so tired that I don’t even know when I fall asleep:  it’s never planned.  The early morn is my time for gratitude, my time to smile with myself, to talk to God in a still sleepy tone, to be happy with my life and that’s the time in which my soul is gratified. 

And so, I shall continue to strive towards these three universal goals – pray, think, act.  

Would you like to share your thoughts on prayer, journaling and gratitude?  I would really like to know.  Let’s start a conversation!

That’s it for November 2, 2013. 

Until,