Revelation
It feels as if my plug has been pulled and I've been powered down. I cannot figure out what has occurred to make me feel really blue but the fact is that I am down in the dumps. I want to sit quietly and be held closely. The telephone ringing, the knock on the door, someone's music blaring so loudly that I can hear every word clearly and the bass notes take my heart out of its regular beat to synchronise with the deep, slow, heavy BOOM...BOOM. The person asking me to make a decision is taxing my brain. I cannot listen to one more tale of woe and physical pain. There it goes again, the cell phone with the same person calling me for the 6th time in a row! And now it is ringing again with another person whom I have told that I need space but nevertheless has called at least 10 times today and each time I have not answered. I feel overwhelmed and actually a bit frightened by all the noise that is coming at me, bombarding me, then without me making a conscious decision, my plug is pulled.
I don't know what to do to get the electricity up and running so all I can do is be quiet and scared and panicked. I begin to think about who I can ask to just give me a hug because for whatever reason that brings a calm, allows me to think clearly. Yet, there is a part of me that is totally averse to anyone touching me, nevertheless I go ahead and make that phone call since just the same way I dread getting injections in the butt when I am ill even if I know the stuff in that needle will make me better, I dread anyone touching me although some part of me senses that it is human interaction I need to get better, but interaction which comes slowly and is controllable and makes little demands on me. So I call a friend whose spirit always calms me and who lives nearby and who, I know, if he does grant my request will hold me, with little or no questions asked of the reasons why I need this and who will not ask me to reciprocate in any way.
My brain begins to deliberate on two things, the first being whether or not this is the way an autistic person feels. We are told that autism may be as a result of too much external stimulation, amongst other things. I don't think that I am autistic though, although shutting down for just a little while seems like a good thing. The second thing on which my mind ponders is to why does this occur? This shutting down seems to happen when I have a great deal of activity and little control over these actions combined with little rest in-between activities. The last half of the year seems to be always busy. The weather is hot and humid and my body physically reacts negatively to the changes in barometric pressure, as evidenced by swollen feet, puffy face, sinusitis and headaches. People take vacations to enjoy the good weather and spend time with families, especially those that have children. Those of us left behind must now toil all the more, due to an increased workload. There are also a lot of social activities occurring in the community - public holidays like peas - with the attendant bursts of activity that impact on the traffic, shopping,and recreation spots. Whether or not I choose to participate, the impact of these activities affects me to a lesser or greater degree. The last quarter of the year brings shorter days and longer hours indoors reconciling business activities and preparing for the new fiscal year. There is a flurry of activity and no matter how much I have tried to anticipate other's needs and so do a bit of forward planning, more and different is often wanted by the very same persons who were happy with what was produced this morning but do not find it apt in the afternoon. The long work days that truly do not end when I leave the office, because my brain does not slow down and I have my household chores to perform, tire me out so much so that sleep becomes difficult. These are the time that I wish for a partner: one who would participate in more than just the physical. It's better to be alone if that is all the "partner" is willing to offer. That is the reason I am alone for a long time now.
Now all I have described seems just to be the business of living however it is a business that brings little enjoyment. So that is is the issue at hand. How do I live this life with a mind that cannot always cope with the "busyness" of life. Where do I find the support networks in a society that only offers networks for those who have collapsed completely and even those networks are inadequate. Where do I find support networks in a society that is nearsighted on 'I' and really farsighted on 'WE'? How do I help myself? That is the dilemma. Sympathy is not what is needed rather I need empathy that manifests itself into actionable solutions. So I shall try to be compassionate with myself and seek solutions to my problem. In the long-term I need to do what Spirit keeps on gently nudging me to do, that is, quit working in the only way in which I know how to work. I feel like a deer in the headlights, each time Spirit says "do it" because I don't have a clue what will be next! Do you understand what I mean? I need to support myself since I have not the support that would allow what I call an indulgence. So the demands of the spirit, shall have to be in the long-term. In the short-term, I've turned off my phone and am not intending to listen to any messages once I turn it back on. I must muster up enough energy to work today, there is no more for anyone or anything else. In the medium-term, I shall explain my situation to others so that feelings are not too bruised by my actions or rather, inaction and in the explanation, hope that I do not have to soothe their discomfort with issues that speak of mental health.
Understanding that I shutdown is a revelation to me. Understanding that in shutting down I am healing myself, protecting myself is a revelation to me. Being able to share this new knowledge about myself is a revelation to me. I need to practise measuring my workload so I carry only the amount I can bear. I need to get more rest and relaxation. I need to seek out the new so as to stimulate different parts of my mind. I need to withdraw when I need to without feeling guilty. Revelation!
I don't know what to do to get the electricity up and running so all I can do is be quiet and scared and panicked. I begin to think about who I can ask to just give me a hug because for whatever reason that brings a calm, allows me to think clearly. Yet, there is a part of me that is totally averse to anyone touching me, nevertheless I go ahead and make that phone call since just the same way I dread getting injections in the butt when I am ill even if I know the stuff in that needle will make me better, I dread anyone touching me although some part of me senses that it is human interaction I need to get better, but interaction which comes slowly and is controllable and makes little demands on me. So I call a friend whose spirit always calms me and who lives nearby and who, I know, if he does grant my request will hold me, with little or no questions asked of the reasons why I need this and who will not ask me to reciprocate in any way.
My brain begins to deliberate on two things, the first being whether or not this is the way an autistic person feels. We are told that autism may be as a result of too much external stimulation, amongst other things. I don't think that I am autistic though, although shutting down for just a little while seems like a good thing. The second thing on which my mind ponders is to why does this occur? This shutting down seems to happen when I have a great deal of activity and little control over these actions combined with little rest in-between activities. The last half of the year seems to be always busy. The weather is hot and humid and my body physically reacts negatively to the changes in barometric pressure, as evidenced by swollen feet, puffy face, sinusitis and headaches. People take vacations to enjoy the good weather and spend time with families, especially those that have children. Those of us left behind must now toil all the more, due to an increased workload. There are also a lot of social activities occurring in the community - public holidays like peas - with the attendant bursts of activity that impact on the traffic, shopping,and recreation spots. Whether or not I choose to participate, the impact of these activities affects me to a lesser or greater degree. The last quarter of the year brings shorter days and longer hours indoors reconciling business activities and preparing for the new fiscal year. There is a flurry of activity and no matter how much I have tried to anticipate other's needs and so do a bit of forward planning, more and different is often wanted by the very same persons who were happy with what was produced this morning but do not find it apt in the afternoon. The long work days that truly do not end when I leave the office, because my brain does not slow down and I have my household chores to perform, tire me out so much so that sleep becomes difficult. These are the time that I wish for a partner: one who would participate in more than just the physical. It's better to be alone if that is all the "partner" is willing to offer. That is the reason I am alone for a long time now.
Now all I have described seems just to be the business of living however it is a business that brings little enjoyment. So that is is the issue at hand. How do I live this life with a mind that cannot always cope with the "busyness" of life. Where do I find the support networks in a society that only offers networks for those who have collapsed completely and even those networks are inadequate. Where do I find support networks in a society that is nearsighted on 'I' and really farsighted on 'WE'? How do I help myself? That is the dilemma. Sympathy is not what is needed rather I need empathy that manifests itself into actionable solutions. So I shall try to be compassionate with myself and seek solutions to my problem. In the long-term I need to do what Spirit keeps on gently nudging me to do, that is, quit working in the only way in which I know how to work. I feel like a deer in the headlights, each time Spirit says "do it" because I don't have a clue what will be next! Do you understand what I mean? I need to support myself since I have not the support that would allow what I call an indulgence. So the demands of the spirit, shall have to be in the long-term. In the short-term, I've turned off my phone and am not intending to listen to any messages once I turn it back on. I must muster up enough energy to work today, there is no more for anyone or anything else. In the medium-term, I shall explain my situation to others so that feelings are not too bruised by my actions or rather, inaction and in the explanation, hope that I do not have to soothe their discomfort with issues that speak of mental health.
Understanding that I shutdown is a revelation to me. Understanding that in shutting down I am healing myself, protecting myself is a revelation to me. Being able to share this new knowledge about myself is a revelation to me. I need to practise measuring my workload so I carry only the amount I can bear. I need to get more rest and relaxation. I need to seek out the new so as to stimulate different parts of my mind. I need to withdraw when I need to without feeling guilty. Revelation!
Jeannelle:
ReplyDeleteHave you thought of putting your Jin Jin material into a book?. It could possibly be of invaluable help to some readers. Think on these things, and repeat this mantra to yourself often: " This too will pass away". Have a quiet day. M. love.